span of attention

I get bored easily. I have one of those minds that works like a well oiled super productive machine. That is, when I'm challenged. When I don't have anything particularly interesting or important to do, I loaf. Usually, I can pull myself out of a loaf pan by reorganizing, streamlining, or saving up my work until it's mounting and important. Sometimes, though, the loaf doesn't rise. I just sit stagnant in the pan, absorbing fluorescent light rays and imagining myself in other places. It's during those times, I've learned, that you've got to throw yourself out to the universe.

Universe! I'm here. I'm ready. My defenses are down and senses are heightened. I've reflected on the past and I'm fairly confident in the direction I'd like my future to take. This is me. Show me the way!

In the past, the way has usually been clear. If I'm meant to stick put for a while I'll find out. If I'm meant for bigger (and hopefully better) things, it will become apparent. I'll never know which way I'm meant to go if I don't ask for directions, right?

wading in the velvet sea

I had an incredibly vivid dream this morning, right before I woke up. I was at a Phish concert watching the show from the side stage. I was there, sitting on those gigantic black boxes that house cables and stuff. I got up to "Boogie On Reggae Woman", then promptly got yelled at. Trey came off stage and said something to me about all my dancing distracting him from playing. So, I sat.

Then I wandered through a door out to where the people were dancing. The venue was a big old theatre with wide side rows. Set break came and I ran back to the door, kicked a button and got back backstage. I sat back on my box just as Fish and Paige were coming off stage. They promptly disrobed on either side of me and started showering in some unknown water source. Paige handed me this weirdo elongated blue bar of soap with which I washed my hands. He put his pants back on, gave me a wink and went back on stage.



The next song was something very experimental and weird. All these big Japanese guys started walking from the back of the theatre doing this really cool clapping, stomping, dancing thing in rhythm to the music. The guys were all wearing No-Face costumes (from Spirited Away). A loud bleeping sound began to take over the song and I realized that my alarm clock was going off. So ended my dream.

The weird thing is that this was the first dream I've had where my alarm clock makes it's way into my dream. Usually when the wretched beast goes off, I pop out of sleep. Today though, I was sort of lulled out of sleep. It was an odd feeling.

Demian

This is an excerpt from Demian by Herman Hesse.

"The point is that this God of both Old and New Testaments is certainly an extraordinary figure but not what he purports to represent. He is all that is good, noble, fatherly, beautiful, elevated, sentimental--true! But the world consists of something else besides. And what is left over is ascribed to the devil, this entire slice of the world, this entire half is suppressed and hushed up. In exactly the same way they praise God as the father of all life but simply refuse to say a word about our sexual life on which it's all based, describing it whenever possible as sinful, the work of the devil. I have no objection to worshipping this God Jehovah, far from it. But I mean we ought to consider everything sacred, the entire world, not merely this artificially separated half!"



This is one of the main problems I have when it comes down to sincerely participating and believing in organized religion. Things that are natural and beautiful and meaningful, like sex, are pushed down deep into repression as the work of the devil. Sex is the most natural thing on earth for humans to do. It's a means of bonding deeply with the person you love. It's a means to releasing the natural desires that all human beings have. We've seen exactly what happens when those desires are repressed on an extreme level with the horrific instances of child molestation by priests in the Catholic church. The instances are widespread throughout this country. These men are not inherently evil; they strived their whole lives to be holy. However, when sexual repression runs so deeply and is ridden with the most shameful connotations, these men turn to the most evil of deeds.

I just don't understand why we haven't been taught to love our bodies, to embrace sex as God gave us the means and the will to do. Obviously, sex can be dangerous. Kids are becoming sexually active sooner at younger ages, and irresponsible or unsafe sex can have devastating consequences. Nobody wants their child to have to go through the pain, heartache, and humiliation of contracting an STD or, even worse, getting pregnant. But, I believe that these concerns and issues arise from the same problem. If kids are brought up to understand, appreciate, and have reverence for sexual activity they'll certainly be more apt to respect it and to respect themselves. What normal kid is going to listen to their parents when they say "don't do it" or "it's not the Christian way"? Glossing over the issue or just forbidding it outright isn't enough. You run the risk of your kids growing up fearing sex (you may think this is a good thing now, but it will eventually impede them from having healthy intimate relationships) or jumping in the other direction becoming sexually active too soon in an unhealthy emotional and physical environment.

I'm not here to knock anybody's spiritual beliefs. I just want to encourage those out there who do live by the church to really think about where the rules come from. Do they come from God, or do they come from man? If they come from man, what is their purpose, where are they rooted?

it's a me, mario!

Mario!

I've got so much to say but not a lot of time to say it in today. Instead of droning on and on about my life, I thought I'd give my loyal constituent(s) a wee break. As I was purusing blogs this morning, I came across a link at Electrolicious that got me started thinking about my old friend Mario. Here are some links of interesting and sometimes comical Mario media.


Here's the basic polyphonic theme. link

Mario Wiki link

Wow--if this isn't talent, I don't know what is! link

Superlangalang vs. Mario link

Mariopedia link

Here's a little old skoool video. Sweet fight scene. link

Want to play the theme song? link

Here's the tablature link

This movie is great! Make sure to check out part two as well. link

Want to buy Mario stuff? link

nameless truth

The nameless truth, the essential ethic, God. Today I'm thinking about spirituality and what part it plays in my life. I'm not a regular churchgoer, in fact, my list of issues with the Christian church is longer than my grocery list. However, I do believe in a higher creative power, God--if you will. I read an article today from a friend about the nameless truth (ghanna). This article really got me thinking (and not about naming the nameless truth, which they've done).

The article gives an analogy that the nameless truth is like water. Water appears on earth in many different forms--sea water, lake water, drinking water, sewage, etc. Each of these forms appears to be very different, each has components that the others do not. However, the core each of the different forms of water is the same H2O. When distilled, we get the same result from each type of water. Religion functions on earth in much the same way. There are numerous different forms--Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc. The article proposed that at the core of all religions is the same nameless truth.

The nameless truth is pure God. It's not male or female. It's not a rule maker. It's not a judgement. It's the creative force that set this universe in motion. It's everything and nothing, finite and infinite. It's the energy that's been transferred over eons from stars to clouds to bugs. It's what makes our planet rotate. It's what makes tomatoes grow and flowers die.

This I can relate to, imagine, and understand.

Where, though, do we as human beings fit in? We are sentient, we are emotional, we are complex. Where in the nameless truth do my feelings of gratitude, acceptance, and love fit in? If I live my life according to natural principles of peace, universal ethics, and humility does it matter? Can I tap into the nameless truth myself by harnessing positive, conscious energy?

Other than the premise that God exists and controls the fate of the universe, most religions propose general guidelines for living a worthy life. Though shalt not steal, though shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Where do these fit in? If I abide by these moral laws, will I be closer to God? Will I attain a better understanding of this universe and the creative energy that sustains it? For me, the goal ain't about heaven. I'm not walking this earth in hopes of living eternally in the clouds. So, where does it leave me. Reincarnate until I get closer to the answer? Meditate until I reach nirvana? Or die and become compost?

None of these questions are going to be answered today. They might not be answered in this lifetime of mine. Some might even say that the answer to these essential questions is different for each person. I tend to disagree with the relative point of view; the truth is the truth. However, we all get to the truth through different means. What's your truth?

neurosis

I like to think of myself as a very together kind of young woman. I've got my jobs and I try to do well at what I do. I like to stay active, be outside. I'm well groomed (most of the time) and I try to make good first impressions. I've got a very healthy social life and a wonderful circle of friends. I have goals and aspirations. I also have neuroses.

I think too much. I worry about the cats and how they're getting along. I worry that they'll trip over the cord of the iron and get knocked in the head by the ironing board. I worry that I'll leave the tea kettle on and burn down the house. I'm plagued with the fear that the one night I leave the door unlocked, an intruder will come into my apartment and unleash some horrid, painful, torturous monstrosity on my roommate and I. I stress out over the state of my bank account daily. I worry that I'll get fat. I worry that I won't be open to true, unconditional love without constant fear of abandonment. I worry about my parents and my siblings and their happiness.

All this worrying really takes a toll after a while. None of these are things I can control really. Logically, I know that if I live a good life, good things will happen. If I work hard at my goals, I'll achieve them. Tragedy happens to everyone at some point in their lives and I can't spend all my days just waiting for the worst. But, how do I turn these safe and sound thoughts into my reality? How do I stop freaking out internally and enjoy all these blessings cushioning my life? How do I work out problems without going to the extreme worst case scenario? That is the question of the day.

new addition (now with pictures)

A contemplative Obi.


Last night we got a new addition to our fold. Her name is Fuggles and she is a beauty. She's a petite white and grey tabby and she's not sure what to make of our place yet. Obi's intrigued and wants desperatly to make friends. He follows her around sniffing at her hiney and pawing her back. Fuggles is staying with us while her owners are in the process of moving. I hope to find Obi and Fuggles spooning by the time I get home.

The new girl, Fuggles.


Obles, oh so sweet!



In other news, I went for a little hike up Mt. Agamenticus yesterday. What a beautiful view for such a short hike! I'd recommend it to anyone in the seacoast area.






TTFN

flock of seagulls

Yesterday my favorite boy and I went for a picnic at Odiorne Point (no, we did not spy the flasher). We sat at what I will consider as 'our' picnic table; the one scrawled with 'Liz Surmon sucks cock". FYI: I don't know who Liz Surmon is or whether these allegations are true, and I certainly hope her grandparents aren't reading this blog. We sat facing the rocky beach and soaked in the last rays of the day's sunshine. Our picnic was comprised of a flatbread with calamata olives, onions, rosemary, and goat cheese along with salad chock full of mango and cucumber. We were sitting cozy talking about life when we were rudely interrupted by a squwaker.



The squwaker turned out to be a high pitched whining seagull. I'd say there were about 20 gulls standing on the rocks below us. I'm not sure what Whiney's problem was, but he certainly had something to say. He just bawled and bawled, sending his sorrows into the evening breeze. We had a bit of crust left over from our flatbread which we tore up and threw to the gulls. Incidentally, I wouldn't try this at home. We almost had a catastrophe after the first crust morsel was tossed. I swear the whole flock of seagulls descended upon our safe little picnic area. There was biting, squawking, and clucking (I bet you didn't know that seagulls could cluck). All the while, little Whiney sat at the edge of the flock wailing away. He didn't even get close to getting a crusty bite because he was so busy making noise. When he finally realized what was going on and decided to get in on the action, the only morsel left was a cucumber slice. He picked up the slice, played around with it, strutted his stuff through the crowd with treat in beak, then promptly spit it out into the sea.



There really is no moral or point to this story. I guess my words of wisdom on this sunny Monday morning extend to this: if you're too busy whining you miss out on the breadcrumbs and if a boy takes you to the beach for a picnic, you will love him long time.

bonnaroo 2005

i'm not sure i can put all the stories from this weekend into words so i thought i'd show ya'll some of the pictures. these represent a sampling of all the magical experiences i was lucky enough to have.


feet!


the crowd at Allman Brothers


Yonder Mountain kicked my ass!


Dave


DAVE and I!!


fountain


my future husband, Robert Randolph (so cute and so nice!)


the heli


main (what) stage and our RV


from the air


that's a lot of people


Matisyahu


Jackie J.


fans


Bob Weir


thanks, Kate. i had the time of my life!




for more pics and info about the shows check out bloggaroo and the view from bonnaroo

my bed is so nice

while reality is sinking back in and life is getting re-established, i thought i'd just pop in for a quicky here. the trip was fabulous, i'll post pictures soon. i can't even begin to express the gratitude i feel for being so fortunate to be able to experience bonnaroo the way i did. it was truly amazing. meanwhile, life goes on at home.

more later.

seacrest out

well, on my way.
i have something horribly wrong with my eye and i have to have an emergency appointment with my eye doctor before i leave. wtf? i will die, die, die if i have to wear those hiddeous eye shades over my glasses all weekend. but, i can't put in my contacts and i can barely see in the sun. eeek!

if you want to tune in to the happenings of bonnaroo, you can!
click on this for the live bonnaroo radio thingy.

okay folksies, wish me luck. peace out!

mini-heaven

i went to cvs on my lunchbreak. for those of you who might not know me that well, i love drugstores. there is something intoxicating about the fluorescent lights illuminating the hair dyes, deodorants, and lotions lined neatly on the shelves. i love to peruse the aisles looking for the newest product to knock my socks off. i love the make-up aisle especially. all the colors and choices, i love to compare prices and product between brands. i'm always drooling over the newest nail polish colors and lip tints.

today though, my focus was on the travel (or trial) size product section. i'm lucky in that the cvs in my town has a large array of products available in travel sizes and they're all just 99 cents*. i started imaging myself lugging the weight of all my full sized necessities and having to deal with bottles that accidentally pop open. so, i smartly invested in a few travel sized essentials. i was particularly tickled to find mini dove soaps and a teeny-tiny johnson & johnson's baby shampoo, what luck! the little toothpastes and miniature mouthwashes were too adorable to resist. in total, i ended-up spending roughly $20 on traveling toiletries.

here is the list (in case you aren't asleep already):

• mini shampoo
• mini soaps (2)
• mini toothpaste
• new toothbrush (full-sized)
• mini sunblock
• aloe (full sized)
• mini bug spray--this is very cute!
• alieve (full sized)
• mini tube of tums
• mini pack of q-tips
• mini pack of kleenex
• mini pack of band-aids
• mini mouthwash
• mini deodorant

*for some odd reason i could have sworn that a standard keyboard had a key with the cents symbol.

sneeze as loud as you want

i'm having trouble seeing today. i'm not sure why, but the glare from my computer seems blindingly bright today. the sun is shining though and i'm not about to compain about that.

so it's one day and counting until my departure to Tennessee. i can't wait to soak it all in. i've made a to-take list that's longer than it should be probably. it's a struggle to fit my life in my backpack. how do i fit everything i could possibly need and/or want into one pack? i've got to be prepared for rain, dehydration, headaches, heat, cold, dancing, flirting, magic, mud-butt, blisters, sunburn, spiritual enlightenment, new friends, rock-star parties, rock-star meetings. it's a bit overwhelming.

life is good.

haha-i used spiritual enlightenment and mud-butt in the same sentence!

brand new colony

i've been listening to The Postal Service just about everyday since i've discovered them. i usually have about a two-week relationship with most albums. not this one though. Give Up has come to define for me this period in my life. these songs remind me who i am and where i am going, what i want.

i'm sure that in 20 years i'll find this album, pop it into an ancient cd player, and flash back to the spring of my 26th year. a pivotal time of self-evaluation and discovery.

Brand New Colony

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen

I'll be the fire escape
that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings
that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink

I'll be the phonograph
that plays your favorite Albums back
as your lying there drifting off to sleep...

I'll be the platform shoes
and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes

I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change.

blueballs are temporary but herpes are for life

ha! i just read that and thought it was funny.

today, i am wearing a knit sweater that i pulled from the bottom of my laundry basket. i sprayed it with love's babysoft then threw it in the dryer and poof! good as new.

i went to a lovely bridal shower this weekend for a good friend. i was really hungover which made me feel like a total asshole. the night before was an amalgamation of wine and beer and more wine and the beach. i woke up all woozy and hurt. the two+ hour car ride there was not one of my best moments. however, after about 2:00 i started perking up and was able to enjoy the festivities (thank God we didn't have to play any games!).

i spent a lot of time outside this weekend. i love that this area has so many places to walk and run by the water. i've been spending some time at the gym over the past couple of weeks, trying to get my ass in shape for summer. but, it was just too beautiful on sunday morning to be inside so i decided to take my buns and go for a run in town. it's a real motivator to be able to run in all these beautiful spots around here. i quickly realized though that i am not in as good of shape as i thought i was. i mean, i can jump on the elliptical and go full tilt for 30 minutes, working up a good sweat and still be breathing at the end. however, when i tried jogging outside, i found myself out of breath and cramping up all over the place. i guess i've still got some work to do.

well, dear internet, this post was completely random and had no point. however, that's kind of my life right now so it's rather appropriate.

the interview game

Five Questions from Ciboulette

1. If you could be a part of a novel, which novel would it be and what role would you play?

If I were to chose a part today it would be Vivi from The Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood ::I know it's cheesy::. I want to be a woman of the south. I want to drink bourbon on the veranda, wear high heels and pearls while smoking cigarettes out of gold cases. I want to believe in spirits, and friends, and humor, and hats. I want to live dangerously under the security of wealth. I want to be eccentrically romantic and free. I want to drink iced tea with my sisters while laying in the hammock on the porch. Oh, and a houseboy would be nice too ::I'm not sure if that's in the book ::.

2. What is your favourite quotation?

"that which sustains the universe beyond thought and language, and that which is at the core of us and struggles for expression is the same thing"
--Yan Martel, The Life of Pi

3. What are you afraid of? ::heights, water, fire, what?:: why?

These days I find myself being afraid of being alone. I'm not sure why, but it terrifies me more than spiders, cat poop, or Bob's Big Boy. An unknown portion of my brain is sending me signals I don't quite understand. Like, what are you doing with your life? I know in what sort of direction I'm headed, and I have a great set-up and plan for the next 24 months. But, in that I want something more, I want partnership--a real one that's based on real life and real goals. Maybe that's too much for some people but I can't help it, I'm a Scorpio and I'm driven to have it all. I know this is an irrational fear that will settle with time. It's just consumes my brain sometimes ::this is what pisses me off the most::!

She's feeling feisty folks.
Moving on...

4. Have you ever had an idol? Who? Why?

I've had tons of idols, I think. Throughout my life I've met people who've inspired me to be who I really want to be. My main source of inspiration is my friends. I've been so blessed to have an amazing group friends, spanning the country ::and even the globe, actually::. Each one has strengths inherent to them alone. I find that through my friendships with miraculous people, I am inspired to be more miraculous myself. I want my life to be an expression of who I am. I am inspired and in awe by the creativity and strength that so many of my friends possess.

One day there will be a magical place where we can be free to create and to share our art with the world. Oh wait! There is one, it's called THE INTERNET. Use it people!

My friends remind me that there is life outside my head, that there are opportunities I haven't even dreamed of out there waiting for me. I'm constantly amazed and awed by their patience, loyalty, and everlasting love. And, the circle is always growing so it keeps getting better and better!

5. What is your occupation now and what would be your dream job/life work?

This one is easy as I am always thinking about my master plan. My current job title is Rights and Permissions Assistant for an educational publisher. I love the place I work and the people with whom I work. My other current job is Innkeeper at a Bed & Breakfast in town. I really love that job and all that it entails.

My dream life's work is to buy a plot of land somewhere along the Blueridge Parkway in North Carolina or similarly climated location. I'll find an old barn and renovate it, turning it into a modern yet cozy Bed and Breakfast ::the description of designing the building and it's interiors could be a post in itself::.Let's just say there are wooden beams, Swedish furnishings, the phattest kitchen every created by man, floor to ceiling windows overlooking the ridge and a horse-shoe above the door. Upstairs will be an open, stylish apartment. Outside I'll plant some large, sunny gardens that will supply my kitchen with fresh fruits, veggies, and herbs for a long growing season. I'll also have rows and rows of peonies, irises, tulips, and geraniums. To mastermind it all, I'll build a state of the art greenhouse/office. The piece de resistance of my added value farm ::can you tell I've done some research:: will be the goat barn. I will have about 25 Oberhasli dairy goats with whose milk I will make delicious cheeses! Oh yeah, and I'd have a few alpacas so that I could spin yarn in the winter months.

Thanks, Cibi. This was fun!

Okay, for everyone out there. If you want me to interview you, below you will find the official Interview Game rules.

The Official Interview Game Rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

yes, like the water filter

i wonder how many times in my life i've uttered those words upon a first meeting with someone. my name is Brita, and growing up i hated it more than anything. i bitterly wondered why my eccentric parents did this to me. how could they foreshame their first born daughter into a life with a oddball name? i mean, it was bad enough that they gave me super tall genes, no coordination, and bad eye sight. the freakish name didn't help my cause. i grew up in the south, outside of Atlanta, where all the little girls had names like Heather, Stephanie, and Michelle. hell, even Lavone would have been better! nobody could ever pronounce it--that is until the Brita.



the water filter, i have to say, did change my life (and not just because i was drinking crystal clear purified water for the first time). since the filter has become so popular, i find that approximately 70% of people i meet mention it. actually, it's pretty astounding. most introductions go as follows....

me: hey, what's up? i'm Brita.
them: Brita...like the water filter?
me: yep, just like the water filter.
them: oh, i bet you've heard that millions of times.
me: yep.

the funny thing is that just about everyone throws in that last line regarding the amount of times i've probably heard the comparison. it's like by qualifying their response, they feel their initial comparison becomes less ridonculous. well, it's not totally ridonculous because now they will remember my name whereas before the filter it might have just evaded them completely like a jackrabbit in the tall grass. because of the filter i have a reference point. what starts to bug me though is when people start asking if i have any relation to the company. like, did my dad develop the Brita and name it after me? do i get some kind of advertising commission from Brita?

uhhh, no.

over the past 10 or so years i've grown out of my distaste for my name. i'm now quite thankful that my parents were toking whatever it was when they bestowed the name upon their infant girl. having an odd name growing up forced me to think outside the box sometimes. it contributed to my dorkishness during adolescence. i mean most of the Heathers wouldn't be caught dead with their noses in books during lunch or carting a voilin case home on the bus. i've grown to adore and embrace my Swedish ancestry. i've figured out who i am and how i want to live my life. all that nerdiness helped be figure out who i am at the core. over time my long legs have become an assett and i can wear contacts when i go to the beach. i'm still working on the coordination thing, but hell we can't all be perfect.

Brita is Better

in through the out door

the sun seems to be making an appearance so that's nice, even if i only get to experience it through glass. only 8 more days until i leave for Bonnaroo! damn, this girl needs a vacation badly.

i feel like i've been strewn all over the past month--breaking up with a boy you thought you'd spend forever with is not easy. that's why i've decided i'm not doing it again. next time a boy waxes poetic about his undying love for me, i'll be smart enough to tell him to stuff a sock in it. at least until he's sure of who he is and what he wants out of life. shit. i wonder what made me so delerious in my last relationship.

i guess it might be time for me to start dating again, or at least getting out there and see what this town has to offer. part of me is excited to be entering this new, free existence. i don't have to answer to anyone or consider anybody else's schedule when making plans. it's kind of nice to have my evenings to myself, to come home schlackered from the bar, to peruse cutie boys at the beach. i have time to write and to read and to sleep. life goes on and it ain't half bad when you get to live where i do.

so, i'm going to be spending the next 8 days majorly hydrating myself, trying to flatten out my abs a bit, and fakely establishing some kind of base tan so my little shoulders don't fry in the hot Tennessee sun!