NaBloPo Me

Yeow! Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo. It's been such a good exercise, to find something worth sharing with the world every single day. I don't think these posts have been my best necessarily, but they've been real and honest and frequent.

I'm so up and down emotionally lately. I don't share a lot of it here as this place is theoretically public and I tend to be quite private when it comes to my feelings. The thing is, I've been grappling with the same issues for years. And, I think they're the same issues a lot of people struggle with. Questioning self-worth, success, intelligence, physicality, happiness. Lately though, I'm feeling all of these things within a bubble. Sometimes I wake up and I feel trapped, like I'm suffocating inside a pink bubble. It's the bubble I'm supposed to put all my worries in and then release into the wind. I feel like I'm stuck inside it, without oxygen, my life is tinted pink and I'm drifting aimlessly.

The end of the year is coming up and I'm hoping and praying for change. I need to grow some temporary balls to break the seal of this bubble. I just want to be happy. I want to be smart and successful. I want to grow, not stagnate. This post has turned into a diatribe of personal feelings. Perhaps this is a first step to enacting change, to throw it out into the universe and claim it as my own.

Thank you NaBloPoMo for challenging me, for making me feel like a part of an entirely new community of writers. And, for ultimately giving me a record of thoughts from each day in a month of a year in the life of me.

Stay-Puft

I'm on the road this week, in a central CA town without a lot creative options for dinner. I was perusing some of the chain restaurant web sites, looking at the nutrition information posted and I was flabbergasted. There is so much fat and sodium in everything.

Here's what I found:

Macaroni Grill
Grilled Salmon: 81 g fat, 6,600 mg sodium
Spaghetti with Meatballs: 115 g fat, 5330 mg sodium
Grilled Pork Chops: 107 g fat, 4950 mg of sodium

PF Chang's (no sodium content listed)
Kung Pao Chicken: 80 g fat
Shrimp with Candied Walnuts: 80 g fat
Fried Rice: 69 g fat

Lonestar Steakhouse
Five Star Filet (9 oz): 60.3 g fat, 126 mg sodium
Lonestar Wings: 131 g fat, 1470 mg sodium
Grilled Pork Chops: 100.4 g of fat, 316 mg sodium

When did pork chops get so unhealthy? I thought pork was the other white meat. I thought it was very brave of these restaurants to post this information for the public. Of course, I've listed some of the worse-off items on the menu. The salads and some of the soups were reasonable, and I noticed that most of these restaurants did have at least one low-fat steamed fish or grilled chicken dish (though they all sounded quite unappetizing).

I've never been one to obsess about food. I like to eat healthy things so that I get vitamins and energy. More than being skinny and waifish, I want to be fast and strong. However, I don't always adhere to an athlete's diet per say. I rarely say no to buffalo wings, sweet potato chips or pudding. They're all so tasty, unlike chain restaurant food which is almost always mediocre. And that is what makes this whole thing so tragic. The food that is so bad for you also tastes so bad.

At a loss this evening, I wandered over to the grocery store and bought some frosted mini-wheats, a mini-bottle of 2 percent and a little plastic bowl. I fear that I will have to start packing this little blue bowl in my suitcase along with some cereal and a spoon, lest all my travel turn me into the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Woe-Man.

In Tennis Love Equals Zero

I saw that saying on a tee shirt today and said to myself: "Self, aren't we glad there's more to life than tennis?".

Not that there's anything wrong with tennis. Tennis is actually one of my favorite sports. I love the little skirts, the neon bouncy balls and the way all my pent-up aggression seems to dissipate after a few well-placed serves.

Now, there could be something wrong with referring to the voices in my head in the first person plural.

Tired and Needing to Pack

I'm beato after a long day of working, working out and running around town. I've got frosting in my hair and my allergies are out of control after a lovely visit with some friendly cats. I'm trying to finish all the wine I bought and opened at Thanksgiving as it will surely turn while I'm away. On my way to "the No" tomorrow and I still have to pack. Luckily, it takes me very little time these days to pack my shiz for a couple of days on the road. This is my last CA trip this semester, and while I'd rather be finishing up someplace grande and beachy, I'm thankful nonetheless for the little break that's coming my way in a couple of weeks.

Phoenix Mountains

It's crazy to find such beauty in the nucleus of urban sprawl, right off the highway in central Phoenix. The nice thing about these Mtns is that they form their own mini-valley within the larger metropolitan Valley that is completely isolated and peaceful.

It's a vast open bowl in the center of the peaks. This means you can run around without having to stick to any trail because the geography is so distinct you never loose your bearings. You may, however, find yourself on the very steep incline of a very flakey and seemingly avalanche-prone rock face. This is not-so-scarey when you have new shoes!

We saw tons of baby cacti out there disguised as rock. For example, the sneaky hedgehog cactus to the left was poised deceivingly in a rock hole. This is a tempting place to put your hand when the earth is slipping out from underneath your feet in a rock-slide.

The Falls was so good. Joyce Carol Oates is one of my favorite writers. Her words are so graceful, the story is complex and smart and emotional. It's like reading ballet, it moves swiftly and seems effortless though underneath it's intricately choreographed and supported by well-trained muscles.

Time and Erosion are two continuous themes in the book that I think about. Like the water in Niagara Falls, today I was a droplet of water on the earth eroding and evolving alongside civilization and religion. We came across this adobe pueblo. It was so beautiful in it's simplicity. One room, square windows, one door and a fireplace.

It felt very lonely. It was covered in graffiti, trying to breathe right in the smog zone above the city with broken bottles glittering off the trail. It was built right into a hill so it got shade during parts of the day. I wondered if it might have had a thatched roof originally as there were no signs of roof supports.

One thing I really love about living out West is that the sky is huge. You can see miles and miles away just by gaining a little bit in elevation. I wonder how the landscape here has changed over time. I wonder what the mountains, the people and the animals once looked like here, even 100 or 200 years ago not to mention 1,000 or 100,000 years ago.

Shoes Glorious Shoes

I got new shoes today! I'm so excited about the way they hug my arches with room for my toes to wiggle and a snug hug around my now sensitive heels. I lurve them...

Around Town

Camelback Mtn.


The Tail-End of Camelback Mtn.


Phoenix Mtn. Sunset

so full

Thanksgiving in the Desert:
-baked brie with pine nuts and apricots
-brined and roasted turkey
-stuffing with tarragon and shallots
-spicey pureed butt nutt
-au gratin potatoes
-green beans
-orange-cranberry relish
-rosemary dinner rolls from scratch (these were so worth all the kneeding and rising, observed as scrumdidiliumtious with buttery rosemary crusts, could sell for $9 bucks a piece at Starbucks, yeah doggie! )
-homemade gravy
-pumpkin pie
-a few bottles of pinot noir to the dome

Overall, it was a better than expected excellent evening with good friends, fantastic food and very warm hearts.

afternoon walk

I Need Something to Believe In

Today I almost got into a collision with a city bus. It was totally my fault. Sometimes I am an incapable driver. I make bad decisions, I don't pay attention, I psych myself out. The bus literally came within inches of hitting the passenger side of my car and I couldn't help but believe that God was watching out for me.

I've always struggled to find faith in my life. I have issues galore with Christianity and my Philosophical brain has a hard time believing in something I can't prove. There are moments in my life though when I feel God, when I earnestly pray, when I honestly believe I am connected to a creative force larger than myself.

Suckas

Much to the dismay of many of my friends and family, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Shawn Carter, aka Jay-Z. I think The Blueprint is one of the best hip hop albums ever. 'Girls, Girls, Girls' will get me dancing and singing even when I'm in the worst of moods. And, back in college, I regularly answered to 'Brita-what's your mothafuckin name'. Jigga what?

I thought The Black Album was by far his most inspired and well-produced album and I was shocked to hear that he was retiring back in November of 2003. Hovito went out with a bang and a sold-out tour and soon after stepped-in as the President of Def Jam records.

I have to say that I feel a little betrayed with Jay's comeback after only a couple of years in quasi-retirement. What was all the fuss about? It's just not right to trick the American public into buying records and attending concerts under the guise that it will be 'the last time ever'.

Back in September, Jay was quoted as saying "When people want something bad enough, it happens. And they want it bad (laughs). I'm trying to hold out, but I don't know how long I can" (Billboard.com). I think this is absolute hooey! I believe this 'comeback' was in Jay's plan from the beginning and if "Show Me What You Got" is any indication of the what the new album has in store, I ain't buying it.

So, while I applaud his efforts with this to raise awareness of the World Water Crisis and as I much as I want to support Beyoncjay enterprises, I just can't get behind this comeback.

Cactus of the Week: Saguaro

Saguaro cacti, the Monarchs of the desert, are probably the most well-known and recognized of all cacti. They are native to Arizona and small areas of the border with southern California and Mexico.

For the first 50 years or so of the Saguaro's life, it exists as a growing pole without branches. Usually Saguaros sprout a couple of branches from the same level and as it matures further new branches will grow above. Saguaros can grow to be 200 years old and 40 feet tall (though some have been documented with a height over 50 feet).



Woodpeckers hollow out holes at the tops of these cacti in which they build nests. When the nests are abandoned by Woodpeckers, tiny elf owls often move in. In May buds form on the tops of the cacti and their branches, these buds will bloom one evening and flower will last well into the next afternoon. Too quickly they close and don't ever reopen. Later dark green pods grow into juicy ripe fruit. The fruit can be eaten right off the cactus.



Surprisingly, Saguaros have very shallow root systems that stretch out about 3 feet in diameter from the central root. The ribs of the Saguaro run lengthwise along the cactus and expand and contract depending on the amount of water the cactus is holding. These cacti are heavy, a tall one can weigh up to 8 tons holding over 200 gallons of water in the form of sticky slime.



Saguaros truly are a rare and magnificent plant. It's worth a trip to Arizona just to walk out into the desert and stand next to one.

soul

Last night Z took me dancing for my birthday at Chez Nous. This little club in central Phoenix was a welcome blast from the past. The half-moon leather booths and dark, smokey atmosphere were a perfect frame for the awesome Motown band that graced the stage. I absolutely loved how many of the men were dressed in suites or collared shirts and the ladies in dresses. Everyone was so cordial and welcoming. The music was fantastic, I could have danced all night.