transparency

There are days when the leathery skin surrounding my memories is worn thin; days when I can sit for hours in front of a blank journal page too lost in my own thoughts to write anything down. Those days are usually rainy, sometimes cold. I listen to Otis Redding and Al Green with candles lit and wine in hand. I chain smoke cigarettes and with squinty eyes stare at the lamp rays bouncing angular along the floor. I relive hasty decisions, faltering over my poor word choices and even poorer actions. I let lonesome regrets wash over my chest cavity, drowning all the good things around me. In the rain, alone, I exude cliche wondering what could have been.

There are some connections in life that are deep down and soulful on a level where words are unnecessary. They are few and, as far as I can tell, rare in living and breathing relationships. Perhaps it's because a connection that strong is too overwhelming for the soul to fathom. In order to be a soulmate, you have to know your own soul and be willing to share it. In my experience people are too selfish to let go, are so absorbed in their own struggle they don't see the answer right in front of them. It's a breeding ground for insecurity and rejection.

A true soulmate knows your body, your heart, your spirit to the core. They understand your deepest fears and wrap them protected in their golden energy. You stargaze and build your wildest dreams together. You reach for the unattainable because with the power of your honesty and support you can attain it. And you bare it all with joy and work with all your heart because you know that the connection is unwavering. It has to be. If it were to crack, you would die. If it falls and breaks, your deep roots get ripped out of the earth and lay exposed in shreds to be shriveled by the sun. It doesn't break though, ever. That's why I believe a soulmate is a once in a lifetime mate.

I don't have any proof for this theory though. I can't tell you why some people recognize their lifemates from day one and why some people live their entire lives without knowing the joy that comes from giving yourself completely to one person. My guess is that love is like life, there are no guarantees.