Thursday, December 14, 2006

Reason to Cry

Why do people feel the need to get back at others for past aggressions? Yeah, sure, sometimes I fantasize that I'll run into an old crush when I'm rich and fabulous and he'll be sorry he didn't choose me. But, I never try to 'get back' at someone for something they've done to me. I don't generally carry a grudge, it's just not productive, and I tend to roll my eyes when others take the low road. Lately, I feel like I'm surrounded by people who have been harboring ill-will for an extended period of time. Something must have aligned in the universe because they all seem to be working to right their karmic due at and around me. I don't understand how punishing someone now is going to make up for aggression that should have been released a long time ago.

My silenced grudges don't come out in the form of punishment, but sadness from past disappointments make their way to the surface in a more passive manner. It usually appears in bitter headaches, the inability to leave the house and tears that drip from my eyes like a leaky faucet. I think the holidays and familial tensions are deflating my usual sunny outlook on life. This is the time of year to be in love and with the people you love, and so sadly, the people I love are spread out very far from one another right now. Relationships are built out of crumbly rocks, and when the avalanche begins all the little pieces of ourselves fall into the ocean and sink to the bottom. I hate feeling like a sinking rock. That little reflex at the back of my throat that keep the tears in is always tense and threatening to let loose, and that annoys me.

It's self-indulgent to be this sad and I don't want to be a holiday downer. I really just need to turn off the Lucinda Williams, put on my sneakers, and enjoy some of the beautiful weather here. Either that or start drinking...


Anonymous said...

Oh, B Messy. I can relate on so many levels. Are we becoming hormonal crazies in our child-bearing years? Is it more than hormones? How do we get to the bottom of it all?
I fear it has something to do with our habits in college.
At any rate, I wish I was nearer to you. But I will see you soon. And I am always out here for you.

Anonymous said...

brita i am filled with love for you. i wish we wern't so far apart this holiday season. even when you write about sad things your words are so beautiful. i will pray that true holiday spirit fills you and you find joy in this christmas :) a new year is going to bloom for all of us and i feel that it is going to be so special for you

with love,

M@ said...

You're lucky. I'm still smoldering from some jerk I encountered 12 hours ago for three seconds. Good attitude.

Anonymous said...

B Dink, I'm sorry I'm late to the party. You should be congratulated for being bold enough to admit all of this stuff. You are in good company, my dear.

For what it's worth, I can't wait to see you!