Friday, April 29, 2005


i love this time of year when all the buds on the tress start popping out. they're like, 'hey! i'm here and i'm bright chartreuse!'. they are so cute. they're exuberance makes all the waiting for them that much more special.

things i've been doing a lot this week:

-reading trastastic celebrity gossip
-reading a lot of wonderful, spiritually uplifting Alice Walker
-writing junk
-drinking water
-drinking wine
-eating eggplant
-crunching numbers
-loving my friends
-letting my laundry pile up all over the house
-dreaming about having money to buy a digi camera
-dreaming about having money to buy a cell phone that works!
-organizing details my good friend kate's bridal shower
-being embarrassed by the horrible sound my car is making
-not having money to get it fixed
-thinking about smoking, having 2 ciggies (gasp!)
-playing rayman
-listening to music 24/7
-thinking, wondering
-working out
-smelling rain, thinking spring


Wednesday, April 27, 2005


okay, so i guess it's been a little bit depressing around here lately and i do apologize. it's not like me to be so down in the dumps for such a long time; but things have been far from normal. i'm starting to see the positive again and to emerge with a newfound sense of self.

i have to attribute part of this regenerative outlook to my sisters. i am so blessed to have an amazing group of friends who support and love me unconditionally. we inspire each other, we carry each other through tough times, we help each other come to realizations about ourselves and our lives. there is something about the bond that females are capable of forming together that is so powerful. this bond exists in person, over the phone, and through the internet. i never would have thought that i could make long-lasting and important friendships through writing over the internet. i wouldn't trade my sisterhood for anything in the world. the wisdom and support and humor and perspective i've gained from them is astounding.

i just finished reading The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I would totally recommend it. Here's an excerpt from an interview with the author which is posted at the back of the book:

"When women bond together in a community in such a way that "sisterhood" is created, it gives them an accepting and intimate forum to tell their stories and have them heard and validated by others. The community not only helps to heal their circumstance, but encourages them to grow into their larger destiny....In every case [of sisterhood] we found that there is a way of being together that sustains us and now and then, if we are lucky, returns us to ourselves."

sisters, you have returned me to myself. thank you.

Monday, April 25, 2005


it was one of those weekends. it was sad and rainy. i had a lot of time alone to think about life and what i'm doing, what i want. it was absolutely horrible to confront some of those issues that have been burning holes in my heart, but it had to be done. i'm praying that things work out for the best. in time, i guess we'll find out. this is one of those periods where i just have to be strong and stay focused. i'm praying the sun comes out soon to help me.

Friday, April 22, 2005

government mule

last night zack and i went to see Government Mule at the Hampton Casino Ballroom. the show was pretty good, the crowd was even better. it was like being at the Fryeburg Fair only with less cotton candy and more mullets. i love seeing real live mullets on heads which actually prefer this hairstyle. i'd never been to the Casino Ballroom and i have to say i fell in love at first sight. the big open floor, the barn like alcoves, the smoking porch. the walk down the Hampton strip is priceless though all the skee ball shooters and arcades are still closed for the off-season. this place is classic; i can't wait until summertime when it really starts bumping. i'd better hurry-up and get myself some lace-up leather pants and tube top.

i'm exhaustified now though and ready to take a nap under my desk. i just can't hang anymore. these days if i get any less than 7 hours of sleep i'm a walking zombie. it's pathetic, but true.

peace be with you internet. tgif.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

badass old woman

i read this article Tuesday in the local paper and have not been able to get the story out of my head. a 90 year old woman in Maine saw her cat Smudge being attacked by a bobcat in her backyard. Mildred Luce saw Smudge in the jaws of a wild animal and she hobbled herself over and rectified the situation. Mrs. Luce is a hero in my book. i hope that when i'm 90 years old i have the energy and the courage to pull on a bobcat's tail and save the life of my kitty. her story flabergasted me and blew my perseption of older women right out of the water.

what i did not understand is why they killed the bobcat (maybe it's a Maine thing). apparently he ran into Mrs. Luce's house after Smudge, and when the authorities arrived they shot the wild animal. i understand the need to test the animal for rabies, but why kill it? couldn't they have tranquilized it? to me, it seems unnecessary and unfair. the starving bobcat was just doing his thing, trying to get a bite to eat after a very long and snowy winter. a it wasn't the bobcat's fault that he didn't recognize Smudge as a domestic (read: protected and privileged) animal.

i guess the emotional impact of this story is twofold for me. on one hand it brought me great joy to read of Mrs. Luce's courage in the face of danger. on the other hand, it reminded me of the arbitrary value some members of our society place on the lives of domesticated animals versus those that live in the wild.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

poupon u

it's so hot in this office today. they must have the heat on or something because my fingernails are melting of the tips of my digits. i feel like i'm menopausal or something.

i'm not too keen on writing today so i think i'll just make a list of all the things on my desk at work:

-clay/copper wire frog
-medicated chapstick
-adding maching
-Ganesh finger puppet
-ball jar
-water glass with inlaid bubbles
-black tea mug
-au lait lotion
-paper mache' heart full of paper clips
-ricola cough drops
-day to day calendar
-phone (just de-germed yesterday)
-picture of Zack
-picture of Obi
-picture of my turtle Ping-Pong (first mention?)
-smushed green fairy
-silver protective polar bear
-toni braxton cd case (freebie)
-honey bear
-utensil holder filled with pens that do not work
-broken fan
-8 piles of paper/files
-computer, monitor, keyboard

now that you've had a very insightful peek into my world, i think i'll go. tomorrow i might divulge the contents of my garbage can. ha! just kidding.

ps: my new cord came from dell today. i didn't open it yet so i'm not positive it's the right thing, but i've got my hopes up. and, i have to give dell a little credit on this one. i complained about my heinous customer servivce through email and they sent me a free cord and a $50 coupon towards my next purchase. i guess sometimes it does pay to bitch.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

this rain

this rain
as my decision
gently over the inadequacey
blurred by
his touch

puddles of sleep
flood dreams
of hot sun and
kindred spark
while tired eyes
sink helpless
without compromise

clouds of grey
on which
I rest my weighted body
sweltering emotion
now swollen where
tears repose

the cold shock
of this rain
defining and final
the umbrella of time
exposing the vulnerability
of my confidence

decisions float
on circumstance
while complacency
my soul
his indifference
and this rain

Friday, April 15, 2005

kiss my ass

i've been on HOLD for 20 minutes now with the dumbasses at Dell, trying to figure out why they cancelled my cord order and why nobody bothered to tell me and when they can fill my damn order. i just want a fucking computer cord! this isn't rocket science, or even computer science. it's a simple one-item order.

numbskulls make my friday irritated.

i love how the blogger spell-checker tries to change 'fucking' to 'bucking'. therewithin was the one smile that graced my face this morning.

Monday, April 11, 2005


i've been whining and complaining for weeks about the slow onset of spring here in new england and the fact that the only nice days have been on weekdays when i'm stuck inside my cubicle.

i guess all my complaining to mother nature was finally heard and this weekend, spring arrived in full force. the weather was a balmy 60 degrees, the ocean breeze was soft and supple. the sun shone brilliant all day.

what did i do to celebrate?

i shopped. inside. all day.

the urge hit me on Friday night. i looked inside my closets (yes, that's plural) and saw my tattered rags from last summer. i knew immediately I couldn't possibly outfit myself in the faded, holey, shrunken tees and tube tops I sported last summer. i had to get new things and fast.

it was glorious to see all the bright colors popping off the hangers, the shapes and styles calling out to me. needless to say i did a bit of damage. but, i needed to do it. i've been uber good about not spending money on clothes so it was bound to happen eventually. i have to say though that i'm thrilled with my new spring wardrobe which is full of pretty dresses and flowy skirts, expressive jewelry, and hot tops.

and, to compensate for my disregard of the beautiful weather on Saturday, i spent the entire day on Sunday outside. i can't even describe how wonderful it was to actually soak up the sun romping around in the woods yesterday. zack and i spent the afternoon sitting on rocks by the bay, swinging on the big tree swing, and walking the paths dreaming about having a dog one day to accompany us. i love him so much it hurts sometimes. we also barbequed for the first time this year which was heavenly. yum!

the sun is shining and i feel like a new woman today.

happy spring!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

computer drama, part deux

i knew something like this would happen. a person like me doesn't make $1,400 purchases on credit and have things run smoothly when i still owe a whopping chunk of money to big corporations. it just doesn't happen. i knew, as soon as i pulled the shiny silver laptop out of it's styrafoam cushion that this little light of mine needed protection. it was in my hands--my clumsy, communal, forgetful hands.

i knew my friends would want to use it and, though i was hesitant, i decided i should share (afterall i've been using other people's computers since about 1999). i gave everyone fair warning that if they should so much as reset the wallpaper, their typing fingers would be mine. i even set up limited allowance user accounts for them, knowing they'd be tempted to click on pop-ups or download Snood.

i've spent the past few glorious weeks showing her off to friends. trying to keep her safe from spills, power outages, and cat tomfoolery. somehow, though, someone sneaked through the cracks of what i thought was a fullproof security system.

the culprit--visiting dog who likes to chew power cords.
the cost -- $30.00
the wait -- one week

i guess you might say i've failed as a new laptop owner to keep my precious newborn safe from the viscious harm of the outside world. i would say you are wrong though. that dog had it out for me from the beginning with his snout in the cat dish and his tail whacking my shins. don't be fooled people! he appears to be a very sweet dog. just don't get too close to the tooth or it will bite you in the ass.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

turn and face the strange

a face can definitely transport a mind a year behind. last night, while out to dinner with J. we ran into a friend who'd moved away a few months ago. immediately my thoughts shifted focus to a different time in this same place. it shifted to friendships and feelings that i thought had dissolved completely. it's funny, i wouldn't trade my place and time now for a blast to the past. my mental and emotional (if not physical) space is much clearer now. i couldn't help though but to indulge my thoughts and wonder what could have been.

i have to say though that i'm looking forward to a different spring and summer this year. one with a man who i love with all my heart. one where i have the chance to work hard, save hard, play hard, and make some progress with this life of mine.

Monday, April 04, 2005

sin city

i thought i had reached a plateau of numbness to death after the anxiety-ridden nervous breakdown i incurred during all the tsunami coverage. but, it's happened all over again. i saw Sin City last night with zack and his buddy. i didn't know what the movie was about, and i did get a fair warning that there would be a lot of guns and sex.

"no problem!" i thought, "i sex and voilence often make for a great thriller."

i was actually excited to see that the theatre had a little sign at the ticket book: Sin City carries an extreme R rating. Absolutely no one under 17 will be admitted.

"sweet dude!"

turns out the movie was not sweet at all. the images in that movie contained the most gratuidous violence i've ever subjected myself to viewing. people were whacked, sliced, chopped up, stabbed, decapitated, stripped of their genitals, eaten alive. ugh. and, half of them are shirtless! boobies hanging out in all their glory all over the place.

the whole thing was in black and white. i kept waiting for the dream sequence to be over and for the real movie to start. maybe i'm just not sophticated enough to appreciate all that blood in black and white.

perhaps the most shocking aspect of the film was the fact that little Rory from Gilmore Girls was featured as a sneaky prostitute! she wasn't believable by any stretch of the imagination. it was just weird to see my favorite smarty pants Gilmore Girl speaking all that hooker talk.

it would be an understatement to say i left that movie over-stimulated and weirded out.

on top of all the violence zack paid for me to watch, i'm getting smashed to pieces by all the death coverage in the news. is it really necessary for yahoo to rotate pictures of the pope's dead body on their homepage all day? oh, and has anyone noticed that the whole situation in Iraq has faded from the front page in leiu of up-to-the-minute news of the tragically ill?

i understand the need for the public to be aware and updated, but the graphic vulgarity of our society is wearing on me.

Friday, April 01, 2005

cat burglar

my cat, Obi, is not a graceful cat. he falls off banisters, beds, and laps frequently. it's really quite funny to see him proudly strutting along a window sill then suddenly loose his balance and tumble onto the floor (not landing on all fours, or even three of those four). he will immediately look around to see if anyone is looking and then hang his head for a bit pondering his un-cat-like reflexes and equilibrium.

however, Obi is superfeline in other ways. he can disappear and reappear silently without notice. I will look and look and look for him under beds, on shelves, in cupboards and not see any trace of his little perma-tux outfit. but as soon as he's hungry or wanting some lovin' he'll silently appear by my side. the most amazing trick this little cat has hiding under his jacket is the ability to walk through walls. you may be doubting me right about now, casting this post off into the realm of insane cat-obsessed woman land, but don't. it's true. there have been numerous occasions when i've purposely thrown Obi out of my room and shut the doors, only to be nuzzled awake in the morning by the cat who has either apparated through the wall or opened the door and closed it behind him. yes, it's true.

he uses this ability for evil though and this is where i'm starting to get pissed. the little bugger escapes into the Inn adjoining our apartment. he immediately goes to room 3 or room 4, jumps on the bed, and musses-up the covers. he then jolts over to the big plant in the sitting room and takes a pee in it! so as not to be caught, he swiftly runs back through the door and jumps into my lap like nothing's amiss. i'm tired of this insubordination! it can't go on! perhaps i should think about installing a steel door through which no live animal or superhuman feline can pass.