bluegrass and sunshine

today is the kind of day where i want to be barefoot on a hill listening to bluegrass and soaking up sunshine. i need to hear 'polka on the banjo' or 'old home place'. i want to twirl with my girlfriends and steal kisses from my boyfriend. i want to camp by a creek and drink whisky all night. it's just not quite that season yet here though so i am consigned to wait.

things in my little world are good. i feel pretty content with life right now. there are things i wish i could change like the state of my parents' relationship, my boyfriend's health, my financial situation. but these things i have no control over and must let go. it's really hard for me to let things go, to cast them off into a pink bubble, to leave them up to god. usually as soon as i make that leap of faith and allow the universe to take over though, my burdens are lifted and i can focus my energy and spirit on things that matter like friends and love and twirling.

i cannot wait for summer time. things come alive here when the weather improves. people begin to emerge from their winter hibernations. creativity is inspired. music is all around. the beach becomes second nature. i miss the beach like crazy. here in New Hampshire, there are only a few fleeting months where we can relax in comfort and sunshine on the sand. there is beauty there year-round, but during the summer months you can hang out for more than 30 minutes without the wind freezing your eyelashes off.

i love new england. we get all four seasons--some are painfully longer than others. winter is brutal but it makes me appreciate the inherant beauty of spring, summer, and fall here. the weather is something that's totally out of my control. it's been a nice winter with plenty of snow, plenty of comfort food, plenty of love to spread. and now, the season is really changing. i heard multiple birds outside my window this morning. the snow is slowly receeding and the sunshine is bringing more warmth with it. and since the changing of the seasons is up to mother nature, i'll sit and enjoy my morning tea and granola patiently dreaming of that first 60 degree day.

easter extravaganza

i survived another weekend at home and another family holiday gathering. our family get-togethers are often themed. my mother can't help but be inspired by a theme when planning an event. it usually translates to big hats, playful decorations, tons of food, and a bit too much to drink. this time our theme was 'tropical easter' which did not disappoint. we had easter dinner on saturday night to accomodate schedules and let me tell you the meal was something else; we had crab legs that were at least a foot long along with various salads and a mango cheeseball. my contribution was a giant rice krispie treat shaped into an easter bunny. easter baskets came in the form of beach buckets filled with tropically inspired goodies and a cd that takes the listener straight to the shores of Ipanema. the family got along for the most part without too many guilt trips, temper tantrums, or underhanded agendas. we actually had a pretty good time.

i did my part as supportive friend and accompanied my roommate to church on easter sunday. since nobody in my family except my sister who lives far away in Indiana regularly attends service, we turned to the internet for spiritual guidance. it led us to a small assembly of god chruch offering a bonus mini-musical during sunday service. i've never been to a friendlier church in all my life. at least 10 people came up and introduced themselves to us. these people were so sweet and sincere in their welcome i hesitated blogging the experience at all. i really don't want to eternally damn myself anymore than i already have so i think i'll sum up the event with one image for you: an extra-long recorder solo during the offering. it was all very amusing and heart warming at the same time. while i'm definitely not a fan of the used-car salesman technique for spreading the gospel (try Jesus for 30 days and you won't be disappointed), i would like to extend my thanks to the sweet little congregation for opening themselves up to us wayfaring travelers.

needless to say, after all the family craziness and 2 hours of hand-waving praise to the reiging god Jesus Christ, i'm happy to be back in my own world where i throw the temper tantrums and all gods are created equal.

pictures to follow.

parents

it really sucks when you're 26 years old and your parents separate.

i love both of my parents very much and want them both to be happy. it's very hard to watch them go through this awful process of moving out, splitting up the furniture, and hashing out all the pent-up emotional issues. it's also very weird to be watching them go through this at my adult age. i love the relationship i have with my parents now. as most kids do growing up, i resented them for just about everything possible. i was mortified when my mom would pick me up from school in our gigantic conversion van. i hated the fact that my dad always made me come home earlier than everyone else. i really resented them when they grounded me for an entire summer, after my first year of college, when they found my pot smoking paraphenalia. but over the years, i've forgiven them as i know they were just trying their best to raise three smart and healthy kids. i now consider them confidants, i look to them for advice and help and comfort.

and so, i find myself in a very weird situation now that they are separating. i don't want to take sides, i don't want to get in the middle of their arguments. i just want them to take their own advice and be respectful adults here. it would be so much easier if they would just accept this change and move on with their lives. i guess, after 26 years of marriage though, it's just not that easy.

intellectual property

over the past couple of days the topic of intellectual property rights has come up more often than usual. a friend of mine came across this article about a lawsuit involving a deceased man's email account and his parents' right to access that account. currently, as standard practice, yahoo will delete your email account along with all of it's contents should you happen to die. yahoo claims that it's part of their privacy policy. yahoo agrees to keep the user's account private from third parties trying to access their material--while alive or deceased.

on one hand, it makes complete sense. i might not be thrilled if my mother all of a sudden had access to my email account. my glossy wonder-child image would certainly be tarnished if my she were to read all the sordid details of my personal life and the personal lives of my friends*. i would hate to forever be thought of as the flakey gossip who couldn't handle her liquor--just kidding i can totally handle my liquor.

however, some of my best writing has been done and posted in electronic venues. my best girlfriends and i belong to a yahoo group where the creativity often flows. i wonder what would happen to all my work that is store electronically by yahoo? i certainly wouldn't want my poems and anecdotal stories to be destroyed. some relationships with very close friends have been formed and played out over the internet. our laughter, support, and love is very real despite the electronic venue in which we communicate. do my internet sisters disappear along with my yahoo id?

electronic intellectual property issues are so interesting. as our technologies develop, our standard practices regarding rights continue to evolve. it seems though that things are moving in new, more loosely defined, directions. creative commons, for instance, is a group entirely devoted to the sharing of ip. how great is it to be see all kinds of free music, photography, art, and text? the internet allows us to share these things so effortlessly. it's amazing to have such choice. but, i do wonder about the artists and the creators. where does their paycheck come from when all ytheir creative material is free for the world to use and reproduce as it wishes?personally, i'm still trying to figure out where i stand. i love the idea of creative commons, i'm just not sure i can bring myself to let go of my work so freely.



*this may be obvious, but i don't really have a glossy wonder-child image at all. it's more of a goofy crunch-head wannabe farmer freak image i've got going on here.

paint chips to the eye ball

i am not especially handy. however, my girl J and i have taken on quite a project at the b&b where we work and live. we've already fixed all the cracks in the ceiling and painted it a shiny new white. this project took us a week of standing on rickety ladders with dry wall compound on our putty knives, trying to recreate the 'stubble' texture with wash rags. it actually turned out looking pretty damn good. the painting of the ceiling was not easy. the first round delivered quite a few paint globules to the forehead, down the shirt, and of course on the floor. the second round revealed all the spots that we had missed and took almost as long as the first round to smooth the edges and get the stubble fully covered.

since we did such a knockout job on the ceiling, i naturally started to think of myself as a home-repair master and figured it would be a good idea to strip all the paint of the window sills before painting them. these are old window sills; they are chipped and cracked and falling apart in some places. needless to say, the whole scraping paint thing turned out to be much harder than i'd bargained for. first i had to spray this wretched chemical goo all over the window sills which dissolved some of the paint as well as some of my cornea and most of the hair on my arms. did anyone know that scraping the paint is hard, physical work? to top it all off my poor aching muscles got all kinds of nails-on-chalkboard chills running the blade over the paint. and as i'm not the strongest or most skilled fritatta in the oven, the job looks a bit hacked. it's like the window sills were revolting against my good effort to clean them up and restore them to their former splendor. i'm hoping we can buff out the imperfections with the sander.

ugh! and we've still got so much work to do in such a short period of time. there's more patching, sanding, and painting to do. then we'll have to clean up the incredible mess we've made and try to put everything back in order. it better look fucking mahvelous when we're done.

nesting

i've been nesting this weekend. i'm not sure what it means, but my ocd side is totally having a blast.

-wash all baseboards
-visit bj's, if only for cheap snickers and cat food
-scrub the toaster until i can see my reflection in it
-buy easter cards to family
-research health issues
-do laundry
-alphabetize dvds
-eat heady tortellini
-repair ceiling
-try to figure out movable type installation (wtf?)
-watch gilmore girls
-dust mantle, rearrange pictures and vases a-symmetrically
-drink tea
-make chicken casserole
-write blog
-shake out rugs
-gather all unnecessary clutter, hide in junk closet
-rearrange junk closet
-dig cat poop out of the house plant, scold cat
-get keys made
-do laundry
-read business plan planning info
-fix the sad, sad pididle

i'm glad there's still snow on the ground or i think i'd be out in the yard trying to vacuum out the flower bed.

excitebike 2

boy, nothing sucks up time like a new-to-me nintendo 64 game. i've recently been making-up for the fact the only video game player we ever had was the classic NES. my brother, sister, and i played the shit out of "street fighter" and "treasure island" everyday after school. we loved that special little grey box like it was a fourth sibling right up until the sad day it stopped responding to our attempts at resusitating the dusty game port.

there was something about video games that really brought out the violent nature hiding deep beneth the imaginaive play our parents had instilled in us since birth. it always happened that at the very most crutial point in the game, right before that last fireball was thrown from mario's little fingers, the 'a' button would malfunction. the controller would then be hurled across the room taking out vases and shattering picture frames. of course, we had a very healthy appetite for competition, always wanting to outdo the other. but, you'd better be ready to haul ass if you physically taunted a fellow player. if one should cause mario to accidentally fall down a hole or into a lava pit by applying the volkan neck pinch or poking the player with a coat hanger, one would surely be the victim of a controller to the skull. the corners on those things were much sharper than you remember.

nowadays though, i've found that video games can be a very nice distraction from the rest of the world. sometimes, i don't want to do dishes, clean out the kitty litter, or answer the phone. sometimes my mind is too preoccupied to read a book or there aren't any rerun episodes of 7th heaven or the gilmore girls on the family channel. it is on those days that i love to pop in a little excitebike 2 or mario 64 when i know instantly i will have an outlet for my anger and lots of pretty colors to look at. ha! maybe i just need ridilin.*




*many of the behaviours categorized in this post are characterist signs of indigo children. if you were born between 1975 and 1995, you might be an indigo child. if you feel angry towards society or the government, or were raised on school lunches, please sober up immediately and stop playing video games so you can get started on saving this world from corruption (as you were born to do). for more information, please read this month's edition of sacred pathways which can be found at your local hosiltic herbal supply shop or yoga studio.

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pbs rules!

last night i had the pleasure of viewing part of one of the PBS great performances. the concert was Eric Clapton's Crossroads Guitar Festival. this was a one time performance that raised money for a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center.

the concert was kind of funny (granted i only saw part of the special). the crowd for this spectacular line-up was the stiffest crowd i've ever seen at a rock concert. they were like stone statues lined up on a big lawn calmly enjoying the music. there was a distinct absence of rocking out, twirling, screaming, and head-banging (did i actually write 'head-banging'?). you get the picture; it was a sedate crowd. i wonder if my friends and i will stop twirling as we get older (gasp!).

the music though was fantastic. robert randolph has got to be the cutest thing to hit the scene in years. he's so hot and in a very creative and original way. he's got a light in his eyes that really talented musicians get when they performl it's a sort of glazed over spirit gaze. he loves that slide guitar and it's so apparent seeing him on stage. he just sits there smiling and swaying and jamming out in his sporty hip-hop/country boy way. his music reaches up and i love that.

another performance that i caught while watching the show was the carlos santana duet with clapton. carlos santana has taken on such a sweet persona in his upper-middle age. he's got a very enthusiastic, encouraging vibe happening. he was all prancing around the stage with maracas and jamming to the heavenly sound of clapton's riffs. it was so great to see these legends performing together after all these years, all that energy and talent still shining bright. it's too bad the crowd was comatose.

watching this special reminded me what an important and wonderful service pbs gives to us. growing-up, we all watched and loved sesame street and mr. rogers. does anyone remember mathnet? before the food network and animal planet pbs was my lifeline to cooking shows and nature documentaries. and, i just love how they really cater to the older hippy crowd with programs like great performances. on what other tv channel can you see phish and grateful dead shows broadcasted to the general public? the people at pbs are doing a wonderful job and it's important for us, the viewers, to support them. this is like the only programming on earth that is not commercially driven which is such an awesome thing. at the same time, it must be really hard for them to keep afloat. to donate money to pbs just click here.

patience

i came across the following excerpt here (see some pretty cool art that compliments this passage):

Being means: not numbering and
counting but ripening like a tree, which
doesn't force its sap, and stands
confident in the storms of spring not
afraid that afterward summer may not
come. It does come. But it comes only to
those who are patient, who are there as
if eternity lay before them, so
unconcernedly silent and vast. I learnt it
every day of my life, learn it with pain I
am grateful for: patience is everything

-Ranier Maria Rilke

this stuck with me. 'ripening like a tree which does not force its sap'. i love the imagery.

i struggle with patience every day. patience when the cat digs up a plant, patience to let my tea cool before slugging it, patience to wait for the end of the work day. it's a struggle to get through those agonizing minutes waiting for my fish sticks to broil when a perfectly new-to-me rerun of 7th heaven has just started and i want to be filling my growling belly while my brain is numbed by sugary moral problem solving and well spoken Christian family values. when i ordered my new computer, i wanted it right then and there. when dell told me it would be late, i practically threw a temper tantrum. but, here it is today and my computer has arrived safe and sound and lovely. lately, along with my fellow new englanders, i've been consumed by the prospect of spring. i just can't bear to lift the snow shovel or walk on icy sidewalks for another day! with each snowflake or ice chunk that falls, i feel my blood pressure rising and my hope for warmer days dampening.

and yet, i have no choice but to wait. and in waiting i think there are lessons to be learned.

my jumping dance in front of the oven won't make my dinner cook any faster. screaming at my yahoo mail account won't make my computer arrive any sooner. my incessant whining and moping will not urge mother nature to switch-up the seasons. in this realization there is freedom. if i can learn to take a deep breath at the onset and give these situations up to the universe, i will be relieving myself of so much stress and inner chaos. of course, this is much easier said than done.

from now on though, i am going to try to appreciate the beauty of winter. this last soggy snow storm brought us beautiful frosted pine trees and rooftops. the sun reflecting off the crystalline new snow is brighter than any sunny beach day. there is beauty to be appreciated here, in the everyday. if i can just slow down enough and thwart my focus from my immediate physical and psychological wants, i will stand more confident of my place in this world this world just like the tree.

i had a dream

last night i dreamt that my new computer arrived. it was just a big old manilla colored 80's style keyboard with no screen!

it's supposed to arrive today. i'm so excited, and i just can't hide it!

i didn't sign up for this! 

back fat buldge

this winter, like most winters in new england, my rate and frequency of physical activity has slowed dramatically. there are a lot of really great things about winter hibernation like dark beer, naps on saturday afternoons, cooking and eating comfort food, and watching way too many movies. my body, unfortunately, has not figured out how to compensate. and so, i've slowly watched my lean, toned, and tan summer body morph into a softer, paler, albeit curvier form. i think the worst part about it all though has to be the back fat.

i've been blessed thus far to have never experienced pudge in this area. now that i'm a ripe 26, i guess my time has come. it so bothers me how the little pudge buldges over my ultra-low waist jeans and unless i've got an ultra-long shirt on, i'm exposed. the love handles just keep on giving too. while being very far climate-wise from spring, i have faith that sunnier days will arrive soon. and so, i've been working out at the gym a couple of days a week. i am happily starting feel the firming of my ass and the strengthening of my arms, but the back fat won't go away.

have i cursed myself for good? am i now plagued to live out the rest of my days in high wasted pants? help!

score!

yeah! my blog has a new look. i'm slowly but surely figuring out this whole 'code' thing. i found this design template here. how nice of the designer to post free template for those of us who are more technologically challenged. and, i've finally got a links section (thanks Ariel!). so, as you can imagine, i'm pretty psyched with myself.

i might actually go public to people i know and love with this sometime soon. well, maybe not. i should probably come up with some real content.

winter fruit berry tea

so the beginning of 2005 has been marked by some pretty challenging occurances. i have to say though that through all the shittiness, there has been one constant good thing and that is tea. i first realized the power of tea the night that my mom told me that she and my dad were separating. this was a total emotional blow to my mind. my body in turn released the stress through convulsive sobbing, shivering, and a runny nose. it was at that moment that my sweet boyfriend made me a cup of tension tamer. i had an immediate physical response--my muscles relaxed, my breathing became normal, the foggy snot/sweat/tears cloud was lifted enough for me to breathe a deep breath. of course, the sobbing continued for a few days but, the tea helped in a very tangible way.

the power of tea continues to amaze me now that i have officially given up coffee. it's been about three weeks or so since i stopped drinking it regularly and admittedly i don't even miss it. i knowthis sound ludicrous and all you coffee lovers out there are probably staring perplexidly into your screens. wha? it's true though. i am currently alternating between winter fruit blend from the republic of tea and good ol' lipton. i forgot how awesome lipton tea is! i love it the way i love rice krispie treats and imitation crab meat. it's not the creme de la creme, but it's damn comfortable. i'm still surprised that i'm able to get my eyes open and my mind functioning on just two cups of tea in the morning. on the extra-plus side of things my usual jittery morning poop festival in the company bathroom has now taken the form of a relaxing fresh morning release. and, i'm sure my co-workers appreciate the absence of the horrid coffee-dragon-breath that blew firey from my cubicle.

I have also become a big fan of matte, it's sort of like coffee in that it gives you a great energy buzz. but the buzz is so much better, it's cleaner and lighter and more natural than caffine or whever the hell is in red bull. it's a productive energy burst. and mocha matte has to be the best coffee subsitute ever. you get the coffee aroma and the energy without the actual coffee (kind of feels like cheating). well, i digress. i doubt that you, dear internet, wants to hear any more of my incessant rambling about hot beverages.

but, i do want to give a shout-out to tea for being here to help me achieve balance in my flip-floppy world right now.

PS-did anybody notice how many link i embedded into my post? ah, i think she's catching on...

all i could do was cry

it snowed AGAIN.

and this time it was really windy so all the snow blew up the yard and got wedged in between the door and the gate to the outside world. so, in order for me to get to my job (which is located in the outside world) i had to shovel, and shovel, and shovel again. i wonder if shoveling snow counts as exercise...

kiss my blog

okay, so i admit that i started a wee bit behind in the whole realm of blogging but i'm doing my part to catch up. i've got a few favorites that i read daily like dooce and electrolicious among many. my question, how do i make a little links section where i can post links to all my favs?

since nobody actually reads my blog (a blessing and a curse) i may have to look for more information elsewhere. i was pretty damn proud of myself though for figuring out the link-in-text thing though. pretty cool, eh? ehhhh????

speaking of which, i think i am the only person who reads my blog. i read it every day just like i do everyone else's. what's brinkidink thinking about today; any good gossip or anecdotal stories? this may sound like a pathetic excuse for making my site meter reach double digits, but really it's more of a quality control issue. if i don't find it interesting, who will?

oh where, oh where is my audience of loyal and adoring fans?

maybe i need a gimic like free ice-cream cones to the first 100 readers. or, perhaps a topic might allow me to narrow down my target audience like "brinkidink: a blog for goat farmer wannabes". but, if i ever did become famous in the blogosphere (that's what we bloggers call it, right?) i might loose my job, alienate my family, or sell-out to google ads. it might just be worth it though to see "BRINKIDINK!" there on the list of bloggie nominations compelte with fancy web design and witty subtitle.

alas, for now i will settle for being another twenty something rambling on about relationships and neurosis on blogspot. thank you, internet, for listening.

the point

a pensive preface to Spring
is the dawn of this March allowing
Winter to clutch solemn and sedate
bare branches, ashen brown
arch overhead like witch broom bristles
knarled protectors of the icy trail

berries dot boughs, a gentle reminder
of the ego resting dormant under
icicles and snow drifts
this forest, an insulated sanctuary,
shelters its regenerative core
through desolate months of polar ocean wind

the sea, ruminating and dark,
is a different woman in winter
contemplative and cruely cold
turbid tides antagonize and
sea boulders flecked like robin's eggs
are pounded smooth as skipping stones

algae mats flop murky green
on rocks like riotous ribbon strands
strewn anxious and apprehensive
here, at the ocean's edge, conflict reigns
organisms are obliged to split compulsions
dual natures pull at fragile seams

this point where ocean meets the woods
in March is seemingly pummeled and bereft
the impoverished grasses and snap-shackle timber
perservere with fidelity to their essential ethic
and, as it always does, Spring will arrive in it's own time
to releive their burdens and cultivate their growth

irrational female syndrome kicking in

I think I've done a pretty good job at avoiding Irrational Female Syndrome (IFS) thus far in my adult life. I handle crises with a relatively clear head, I am as even-keel as they come when it comes to confrontations, and I actually enjoy the challenges of my work. And with relationships I have always been known to be calm, cool, and collected--providing all the space in the world, never seeking approval, not needing or wanting excessive phone conversations, and most importantly reserving tears for moments when truly warranted.

Lately, however, I've fallen off the wagon. I've been diagnosed with full-fledged IFS. This has resulted in the following disgruntled activities (about none of which I'm am proud):

1. over-reactive email to mother telling her to keep out my biznass, causing her to 'cancel Easter' as we know it.
2. crying at the drop of a hat, glove, scarf, or any other winter accessory.
3. mentally accusing boyfriend of not loving me anymore while he is working his ass off and trying to focus on making a better life for himself (and me) thereby shutting him out when he needs me most.
4. cleaning every inch of my living space.
5. eating every rice-krispie-like treat that comes within arms reach.

I'm not exactly sure how to cure this case of IFS, though it must be done soon or all the important people in my life will run like cheetas over the plains to get away from my mood swings. I'm hoping that a night out with the girls including some wine (okay, a lot of wine) and some laughter will help bring my perspective back into perspective.

on my way

to where i'm going...

So, I definitely do not want to be doing the job I'm doing for the rest of my life. It's a good solid job, I have a sunny and bright office space, and I work with really great people. My job itself is on the dry side though and I know I can do more. Specifically, I want to have my own goat farm and possibly bed & breakfast. This is a big goal and I'm trying to figure out how I can make it happen. In the last week I've taken two major steps toward achieving this goal.

Step One:
Visit actual goat farm/B&B! This was awesome! The place is very small--they only have 3 goats, 2 rooms, and a few hostel-type rooms. But, the couple that owns it is great. I got a lot of practical advice, quite a few warnings, issues to consider, and the like. I also got some great recommendations for other larger farms to visit.

Step Two:
Sign up for business class. If I am going to run my own farm/B&B, I have to be a good business woman. Yes, I want to do this for the joy of the experience and for the people, but I also need to make money. I found this great business association for women in my town that offers an introductory course for business owners. They cover the basics of accounting, legal, taxes, etc. I think this help me get started on my business plan and figuring out a way to finance my venture (as my tiny little salary does not afford me quite enough start-up money to play around with).

I really need for this dream to come true. I need to be connected to the earth, connected to animals, and in control of my own career. I know that when you're a farmer, you relinquish most of your control to nature. But, I have to say I have a hell of a lot more faith in nature than I do in Corporate America.

nutjob

okay, so if it you don't already think i'm a nut job (after reading my spick-and-spam room poem) you certainly will after you read my next confession. i finally bought a computer (that's not the crazy part). after doing a ton of reading and researching reviews and prices and sales and rebates, i decided on the dell inpiron 9200. i ordered it yesterday and (here comes the nutty part) keep visiting the web site to look at it. i review the features over and over again, imaining how wonderful it's going to look on the desk in my newly cleaned and organized room. i think about the mental to-do list i have going--write poems, write blogs, design web site, write business plan, research, manage music, etc. i can't wait to get started on this new phase of my life, a connected and creative and all together fabulous new beginning.

neatnik

neatnik

vacuum marks on carpet
like frosting on cake
are perfect ripples of simple pleasure
airated threads cushion overworked feet

finally, room to breathe

every stitch of clothing spotless
folded symetrically or
hung neatly in color-coded closets
a rainbow of choice

soft candles burn fragrant

clean sheets on fluffed featherbed
wait patiently. tight, crisp, and cool
until night when the scent of dryer sheets
mingles with the nape of his neck

bmm03/05